Preeclampsia and C-Section

Reflecting on giving birth at 9 months post partum

Back in college I was really into blogging and openly sharing what was happening in my life and how I was feeling about it. Somewhere along the way I felt that jotting down these words warped my perception of self, as I could never really be honest while writing to an audience. And stuffing events and feelings into cute packages of discrete stories felt like I could never capture my experience in its entirety.

But as I enter into motherhood, I can feel myself changing more frequently and I want to capture my inner monologue and its versions as they grow. For my birth story in particular, I wanted to write down my experience before I forget how hard it was and my gratitude for surviving it wanes over time.

40 week check-in

I had a fairly normal pregnancy. It wasn’t easy and I was especially bloated the last 4 weeks and very uncomfortable, but there were no red flags and things were going smoothly. On my 40 week check-in however, I had a slightly elevated blood pressure. The midwife asked if I wanted to try a membrane sweep that can help induce labor, but we couldn’t actually do it since my cervix was still closed. I was discouraged since I was DONE being a huge pregnant lady at this point and wanted to get the birth over with.

She mentioned that because of the blood pressure, I should come back after the weekend. I said okay, and mentioned that my mom had preeclampsia when she was pregnant with me. This might’ve saved my life, because a few hours later the midwife changed her mind called me to come back same day. Whaddayakno, my blood pressure was even higher! I told my husband Mike it’s go time, and we packed our bags and got admitted to labor & delivery.

Inducing labor

Well — okay, before we even induced labor my blood pressure was climbing to the danger zone so there were about 5-6 medical professionals (everything is a blur at this point so I may have imagined an extra or 2) all tending to me. They were trying to get an IV in to hook me up to magnesium to prevent seizures while protecting the baby. I will say that I had no reason to worry about birth complications and it seemed impossible to prepare for every scenario so I had done zero research on what drugs were for what. While I felt uneducated and stressed, Mike came through on asking the medical staff about what they would recommend and helping to make decisions.

Here’s what I remember from my POV:

A nurse who really struggled with trying to get my IV in and me finally crying from the pain (I continued to cry a lot throughout the weekend for various reasons)

Someone coming into the room, looking at the monitor that displayed my blood pressure, and asking “Is that real?”

Someone putting what’s literally called “seizure pads” on the hospital bed I was on. I respect the straightforward naming, but is there something less scary they could have called these?

Here’s what really happened, according to Mike’s notes:

Even though I was maxed out on pitocin, my cervix never dilated to 10cm. It was stuck somewhere between 5-7cm, as the labor & delivery doctors rotated in and out as their shifts began and ended. At one point my water broke (I heard some ladies mistake the water breaking from peeing… Mine was unmistakably different and all I can really articulate is that it felt like a lid popped off and a bunch of liquid came out), and because I was in labor for SO LONG (50+ hours at this point), the doctor recommended we do a c-section as if we had waited any longer I wouldn’t even have any energy to push.

Pain killers

Remember when I said I didn’t do any research on drugs? The time I felt conflicted was when they asked if I wanted fentanyl. I panicked and asked if it’s safe and what it would feel like, and the nurse just mentioned that it’ll feel similar to a slight buzz from drinking. And it felt exactly like that. It was one of the few moments I felt some relief from the pain.

The epidural was another life saver, although it was administered incorrectly the first time and I had to ask them to redo it. I still remember how I felt more reassured when a nurse held me to make sure I wouldn’t move so much the second time. This epidural was also used for my c-section later on, so sometimes I have horrifying thoughts about what might have happened if I didn’t speak up when it felt off and we didn’t correct it.

The epidural comes with a button you can press to get another dose of relief. I pressed it a LOT and I’m pretty sure it didn’t even administer every time because I pressed it too frequently.

The C-section

The C-section was incredibly quick. After we agreed to go through with it, I was on the operating table within about 30 minutes.

It was a whirlwind experience for Mike, who followed me into the operating room and saw the procedure start as soon as he sat down. Within 10 minutes he saw me throw up a crazy red liquid (it was jello), and they asked him if he wanted to take a photo of our alien baby that was pulled out of my body.

I was also asked if I wanted to see the baby, and for some reason I thought that meant they would move the divider that prevented me from seeing what I imagined would be my open torso. So I said no.

Noa

Our daughter looked like an alien. She had an elongated head from being stuck while I labored for an eternity, and was covered in hair. Now I know why they put hats on newborns. I loved her right away but the mom anxiety already crept in. Is her head going to be like this for forever? (It became normal about a day or two later)

Because of the magnesium I was on, she was a very chill baby the first 24 hours. But then the mag wore off and the second day was HELL. On top of that, whenever we put the baby down to sleep, a different medical person would walk in to perform a test or check in on me. This woke her up and restarted the cycle of us desperately trying to get her to stop crying and to go back to sleep.

Postpartum preeclampsia

I was excited to finally go home after two nights of recovery at the hospital, and I came home to a spotless house with a feast prepared by my mom who flew in to take care of me for 2 weeks. My mom, my sister, Mike, and our new daughter were together. It was cozy and beautiful.

The next day, my blood pressure was elevated again and after a quick call with the advice nurse I made my way back to the hospital, this time to emergency room.

This part somehow feels more exhausting to write about. I spent more time alone at the hospital because I wanted Mike to help my mom with the newborn baby at home. More than once I spiraled and wondered if I was going to die and leave behind my new little family. I was hooked up to an IV again and getting my blood pressure taken every hour, back at the exact same spot I thought I was done with a day or two prior.

One of the doctors I had seen while I was in labor came down to the emergency room, and thankfully helped me move back to one of the L&D rooms. This really improved my overall mood because… Well I don’t know if everyone’s been to an emergency room at night, but it’s not the most relaxing place.

About a day later, we were able to adjust my medication so my blood pressure would be manageable. On top of the c-section recovery and taking care of a newborn, I had to take my blood pressure twice a day for a few weeks to make sure it didn’t exceed 160/110.

Those first weeks were a total blur. I distinctly remember sitting down at one point, and I was in so much pain my mind flooded with regret and I wondered what the hell I had done to myself by having a baby. I had heard this is what a lot of new moms feel, and that the feeling would pass. Thankfully it did, and after some more pain killers I reminded myself that these feelings are scary but ephemeral.

9 months later…

That first week after giving birth feels like an eternity ago. I have a tendency to downplay my experiences and I do feel the urge to suppress this chapter of my life and pretend like it never happened. But in reality, this experience was traumatic and horrible! And I’m glad I’m still here (like, on earth).

My mom told me that in pictures she had never seen me smile as much as when I’m with Noa. And I think that’s the perfect summary of how I feel.